Wednesday, June 18, 2008

i wonder as i wander

It occurred to me today that I wonder about a lot of things a lot of the time. The problem is that I'm highly inquisitive, so I ask questions. One question almost always leads to another, and another, and on until I can no longer remember what my original question or objective was!

Par example...the struggles I'm having with the Church, as I discuss probably more frequently than necessary, lead to questions that beget more and more questions. Here's how the dialogue began in my head: "I am dissatisfied with my church. Why? What exactly is it about this particular gathering of Christians that bothers me? (lack of community) Why does this lack of community bother me? (churches should create positive community in various ways withing themselves) Should I leave? What is a good reason to leave a specific worship community? What are good reasons to stay? (so I left) Wow! Orthodoxy is beautiful and powerful and so confusing! What is this for? Why do they do that? What do the colors mean? What's the deal with icons? (I've only just recently cleared that up) Why have women stopped becoming Orthodox deaconesses? Why am I wondering these things? Do I care? Why should I care? Will I ever convert? Should I? Why do other people convert? Is it better to stay where I am and do what I can to improve the situation? God's call is not always obvious to me, so how would I know? Is the Protestant church wrong? What about Catholicism? How do I know? Did the Bible provide any guidance for this particular type of situation, or are we all supposed to just figure it out? Obviously that's not working because there is so much division in the church and especially among Protestants--why? Can we not make more honest efforts to get along? Is there significant common ground? Should we not try our best regardless?"...and so on, and so on, and so on.....

Welcome one and all to my mind. On the one hand, my wondering causes me to learn much, and the layering effect of my questions generally provides answers from multiple views on the argument. I rarely make decisions without careful thought, which keeps me out of a lot of trouble. On the other hand, can you imagine thinking like this all the time? When I don't have anyone to talk to, I end up just thinking in circles. It goes back to the beginning eventually, and I realize that I have only moved a teeny tiny smidge forward from where I was--which, in reality, is better than not at all, I suppose. Anyway, I'm sure that my inquisitiveness is a gift that I will cherish for a very long time, even if it can be a bit annoying.


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