sunshine in friggin' january

Hello world! You know, life is full of paradoxes (and pseudo-cliches, apparently). A few days ago, I felt awful. My world was crashing down all around me, ruining my relationships, my sanity, my family, and my motivation. Which way is up? How do I solve this? What does it mean to trust God?

It is good to ask these questions if for no other reason than that it gives me a chance to remember what I learned last semester. Which was is up? God. How do I solve this? Obedience. What does it mean to trust God? Stop trusting myself--hello, the Creator of the universe has to know more than me. I could go on, delving into the realm of philosophical ponderings...but I really ought to be writing my interaction paper for my Jewish Backgrounds to the New Testament class.

Bottom line--I still have issues. In fact, I have more issues today than I did before (namely my recent discovery that my esophagus is fighting with my stomach), but the difference lies in how I've dealt with them. It is so easy to get discouraged and to be bogged down in the complications of life, but I need to remember that God really does have the whole world in his hands.

God shows up for me in the little things in life--a ladybug on a blade of grass, a quiet moment in a field during a thunderstorm, a smile between good friends passing one another in the hallway, and quotes on the quote wall(s). This morning my girlfriends and I (well, mostly Alethea) whipped up a fantastic breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes with peanut butter and shared this high-calorie joy over hot tea and cider. After a few failed attempts at getting Becky's attention, we yelled for her, "Hey, Becky! Are you going to eat?!" to which she responded in true Becky fashion, "OOOOOh! Look! My slippers match my shirt!" My friends are beautiful. Following this blessed repast, Alethea and I rushed to work to find absolutely no potential tutees and thus decided to fill our time with the crafting of three-dimensional snowflakes, pictured here:

Essentially, Alethea and I are awesome. I made one large snowflake and one medium snowflake, and Alethea made two large and one medium! Carol was so happy. She came up while we were making them a took a bunch of pictures so that we would have photo-directions to use to teach people how to make them when they come to our Writing Center conference (for peer tutors and Writing Center directors, not like peer conferences). It was great. Our hands were beautiful. In fact, I would put a picture of Alethea's face up, but it occurred to me that she may not appreciate being so displayed on the internet, so I will forego that particular embarassment. But she's very beautiful, inside and out, and I will hopefully have her permission soon to put up georgous pictures of her. =)

That was a very long sidetrack--the point is, when I find myself buried in the cares of the world, I am always reminded of God's sovereignty and of the beauty he created in everything. My friends, nature, work, play, suffering, life, death, sorrow, pain, joy, new birth...all of these are part of our lives, and God sanctifies and blesses each and every one.

"For we know that God works all things together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose...If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:28, 31

reflections from the desert: part 3

With the sounds of "Pleasantville" drifting down from the loft, I sit here in my parents' living room next to the Christmas tree to end my tale.

As I said previously, I had been seeing our campus pastor for guidance and prayer and whatnot. At this time I was also seeing two others: my wonderful professor Joel (of Euangelion) and a counselor named Anna. Joel and I would meet about once a week for prayer and I cannot tell you how helpful that was to me. His care and support have been a great blessing in my life over the past two years, but especially in these last four months. However, this Anna was a whole other ball game. I had three appointments with her before I realized that she wasn't taking my issues seriously and that she was trying to befriend rather than counsel me. It was not entirely unhelpful, but nearly so, and so I stopped going to see her. I also stopped going to see Judy for the same reasons.

My counselors became God and my friends. It was hard for me to pray, but my friends advised me to set up a regular prayer routine anyway. I did so, and I continued it until I came to my parents' house (my entire rhythm of life has gone out the window since I've been here...). They made sure I was eating and going to church and not stressing about my homework. I don't know what I would have done without them and their late-night rescue sessions with me.

The end of the semester was rather bittersweet. On the one hand, I was grateful to have made it, to be at that place where all of the work must eventually be completed. I could finally be free of the academic trappings of the semester and have some time to read and relax and catch up on the music I was supposed to be learning all semester. On the other hand, my work was so backed-up that I was incredibly overwhelmed by the sheer volume of it all, and the need to finish that work prevented me from spending adequate time with my friend-family in those last weeks.

The last week of school was torture. It began the Saturday before with what turned out to be the bright spot of the week: our eight-hour stake-out in the library. We brought tea and slippers and sat in a rather large and beautiful room from 10am to 6pm. The rest of the week, however, proved to be the most academically stressful week of the semester. I did homework almost non-stop through Friday morning. Two bright spots: I finished Theory and Aural Skills at 8:21pm on Wednesday, December 10th, 2008; and I had breakfast with the magnificent Mary Veeneman on Thursday morning. It was a glorious two hours of eating, coffee-drinking, and chatting--she has also been a wonderful blessing to me this semester, and I cannot express how glad I am that she has come to us.

It is now over. The semester that was the worst and best of my life is over. I experienced the pain that comes from reopening old wounds and letting them air out (or, you know, flushing them with rubbing alcohol), the stress of falling behind in classes, and the awful temptation to forget it all and run away screaming. But, thanks to God's infinite love, I survived the semester through His help and guidance and blessing in friendship and comraderie. Praise be to the Lord!

That's my story. I'm looking forward to surviving Christmas break and beginning the next semester. Then, I'll be a SENIOR. I'm not ready...ach.

Peace

reflections from the desert: part two

As I was saying, the whole Opera thing was only the beginning. I had two people very very upset with me for about two weeks. Then it just disappeared, and a good thing, too, because after that little bit of drama came the rest.

Two weeks into school, I decided to finally get rid of this burden of sin that I was carrying around with me for about six years. I was at the University Ministries Student Leadership retreat and I had been feeling especially guilty for two months, and that evening at the worship service I realized that I just couldn't keep my secret inside me any longer. Honestly, it was the worst and best feeling, which is how I have come to describe this entire semester. I had a bit of a panic attack while I was waiting for the darn thing to be over--I'd decided very early in the service that I needed to tell someone about it, and decided shortly thereafter that it would be our campus pastor, and I was made to sit there for what felt like an eternity. Then I needed to go to the little girls' room and I had to make Judy wait...THEN there was someone talking to her for twenty minutes when I returned and I just stood there freaking myself out. She finally called me over, and I told her. When I left, I cried a lot. I thought I was done.

HA! Boy, I do often wonder how God puts up with me. Seriously, he must just be laughing at me most of the time. I like to make my little plans and think that I control my life---not so! He always comes up with something better.

Well, I wasn't done. I started going to see said campus pastor about once a week for accountability and direction. A week after the retreat, my roommate suffered a severe family tragedy that took her away for a week and left her and our apartment in shambles. It was at this point that I began to be very anxious, and after being anxious for a week or so I also began to be depressed. I realized that I needed to tell some other people about "Bob the Onion", and first told my friend Laurel. That went okay, so I felt a bit better, but my mom still didn't know about it and I was starting to dig up some other things from my childhood (which I now think are quite funny) and I couldn't handle it any more. I called her and sobbed and sobbed and told her everything I could think of at the time, and I told her some more things later as they came up. Every time I felt a bit better, but I still hadn't told my friends.

I didn't feel like I could really trust anyone. I've had trouble trusting people for some time, and this was a big thing that I needed to trust them with and I didn't know who to talk to. Slowly, one by one, I began telling people, especially those in our morning prayer "group". I grew so close to those people this semester, and I am so grateful to God for putting them in my life and teaching me how to trust. Anyway, I started with Josh, who became one of my favorite confessors because of his understanding and care. After Josh came Cindy, Janna, Kasey, Alethea, Matthew, and Melissa (in no particular order). With each confession, my story became easier to tell, and all of them still talk to me! And Alethea and I hang out all the time and we can't really remember when we started hanging out or how our friendship came to be, but we're both very very blessed. She's teaching me Spanish. =)

I suppose I will pause now since I've started to ramble...more lata!

reflections from the desert: part one

And here I am. Sometimes I have moments when I remember that I actually do exist, that my name is Heather and that I have friends and family and talents and work to do. I had one of these moments recently and I realized that I hardly recognized myself anymore...and it was a good thing.

Normally, when folks say they don't recognize themselves anymore, they mean to say that they have hit one of these reflective places and they realize how sinful and backwards they have become. I mean quite the opposite, but I am just as confused as to how I got here. I guess I really shouldn't be confused. Perhaps I should say rather that I would not have planned my life to go this way this year, and especially this last semester. I am quite appreciative today of how God's plans always work out so much more beautifully and intricately than I could ever have planned or imagined for myself.

So, you may remember that this past spring semester I was having a very difficult time with all of my schoolwork. I was completely bogged down, unsure of what I wanted to do with myself and unsure of what God wanted me to do with myself, and full of questions. That semester turned out well and I survived, so I thought that things were good. At the end of the semester I applied to be a summer RA and that didn't work out, so I was a bit upset, but I figured I would just go home and work and visit my friends at school a LOT.

This I did. Quizno's had by that time been transformed into "Tastee Grill" (clever, right? that was my boss's brilliant plan) and was not doing well. I'm pretty sure that at one point we were not even making enough money to cover labor for the week, let alone pay all of the bills. So, work was slow and I didn't feel too bad about going up to the city every two weeks or so. Then, at the end of June while my family was in Seattle, all of those unpaid bills finally piled up and exploded in our faces, resulting in a shut-down store and weeks of worry about bounced paychecks and future employment. I applied to about five places before I realized that it was useless for me to try to get a job for six weeks. I mentioned this to my boss in the Writing Center at school and she hired me to house-sit for her for two weeks.

Those two weeks were the beginning of the end, really. I was very anxious the whole time because I had not been prepared for how creeped-out I'd be that I was sleeping in a room with so many windows and the back door right in front of my bed. I hardly slept, and only really when my good friend Christina was there...It was also during this time that I began to feel very badly about what I have and will continue to refer to as "Bob the Onion". I had not yet told anyone about Bob, but I really felt like I should, and really felt like I couldn't.

The girls and I moved into our apartment in early August and made the necessary adjustments to apartment life--cooking, cleaning, locking up, sorting out whose stuff goes where. School began and the first day of class I dropped my Opera Scenes class. This was the first in a series of unsettling events that led to what I now call both my worst and most painful, and also my best and most beautiful and healing semester of my life.

To be continued...

creativity lost

I'm not a huge fan of North Park's chapel program, but I can now say that I've been to campus chapel at other schools, and ours is much better. Anyway, I went to chapel today and was surprised by two things: 1) the speaker was not talking about social justice or what we should be doing to reach out to the world (and completely ignoring those who are called to minister to suburbanites, college students, or by marrying and participating in creation by having a family...), 2) and more importantly, I actually learned something. Yes. I did.

It was actually during chapel chat, which is one of the more beautiful "programs" that UMin has put together. Today's speaker was answering someone's question as I came in and I heard him say, "We consume so much media [his talk was on media consumption, 'case you couldn't tell] that we lose our will to create. We just don't have it in us because we've taken so much in and put nothing out." It's funny that he said that, because I've been thinking recently how creativity-deprived I am. Honestly, it's a funny thing for a vocal performance major to say, but it's true. I have not been able to spend time exercising my creative abilities outside of singing, and singing is not even a creative process for me anymore because it has been beaten down by the industry.

When speaker-guy said that today, it clicked. All of the vague ideas floating around in my head finally made some sense! I'm working on narrowing down the topic of my independent study to a semester-sized bit, and with an umbrella topic of "Christian Sexuality" there's a long way to go. I've been reading a lot and writing a little, but what I mostly write is just a bunch of summaries and some musings, but not a whole lot of my own thought at this point. In light of this discovery, and in light of the fact that I am not actually starting this project until next fall (or summer?), I have decided to just do some freewriting. I think this will help me figure out where my interests lie and what my own opinions and presuppositions are, while giving me a break from all of this thinking. And then I can focus on my actual schoolwork.

But this does not only apply to my personal academics--oh, no! I think that it would be very good for my group of friends to spend some time being creative. A few of us do some sort of yarn crafting on a regular basis, and I think one of my close guy friends writes poetry on occasion, though I'm sure he isn't right now. The difficulty would be to convince them that this would be good for us--we all have a really hard time putting aside our work for a while to do something seemingly useless. But it's not useless...

Anyway, I'm rambling now because it's late and it's been a very long and exhausting day. I'll probably look at this later and laugh. Until then, BED.

Peace

nearly settled

I am completely moved in to my new apartment along with two of my four roommates, and it's so great. It was a long, hard week of packing and moving (we're on the third floor, no elevators) and gouging-out of drywall, and bruises...so many bruises. But the joy that I am experiencing right now erases all of that.

This whole summer I was feeling very displaced. I lived with my parents, and while I love them and their house is lovely, I just never really settled in there and felt the whole time like I was on some strange vacation. It made it very difficult for me to get any work done, and I was anxious much of the time. When I could make it back to the city, it was like a glorious homecoming--except it wasn't really my home. I was staying with my roommates, so it felt sort of like home (and they did a fantastic job of welcoming me), but I knew it wasn't really. So this whole summer I've been feeling very floaty and strange. Now that I'm back, I don't intend to leave. Ever. I mean, I'll probably move out of Chicago in a few years, but I'm not going back to my parents' house again, especially not with all of this furniture!

Peace

reflections

I probably have about a million posts titled "reflections", and if I don't already, I most certainly will. As the great Joel Willitts so aptly said it, I "think a lot." I spend much of my free time thinking, in fact (when I'm not reading or playing piano). It was a very astute observation for him to make.

This post is about the last two weeks and what they have done to me!! I learned so much about life, and even though they were painful and difficult at times, these weeks have been a positive experience overall. I will begin with the more practical aspect: house-sitting for my supervisor taught me how to take care of a house and its many many plants. I learned that if plants get less that one inch of rain per week, you need to water them a LOT. Also, if they get four inches of rain in two days, you don't need to water them until about a week later. I learned that security systems only serve to decrease a certain level of anxiety, and if one experiences higher levels of anxiety, said security systems are not much help. I also learned how to operate the security system, and how to use the seven or so keys that belonged to that house. Floorboards can be very creaky and very noisy, but one can cover up these noises with a very loud movie. AND, some toilets can be yellow or blue, and shower "curtains" can be oddly curvy plastic sliding doors that squeak loudly when you open them. And old lace curtains give a house a very odd smell. And having an icon of Jesus by the front door is about the coolest thing you could do to your house.

What I learned about myself: I need at least an hour of alone time every two days, which I hadn't noticed because this is really the first time in my life that I experienced a forty-eight hour period when I was constantly with someone else. I love natural light in the kitchen. I like making refreshing, simple dishes for myself, and I don't mind the occasional hot dog roasted over the gas flame on the stove. Walking through neighborhoods where the people are so old that their lights aren't on after nine o'clock creeps me out. Oh, and I'm more easily creeped out than I thought--I had not prepared for my utter inability to sleep in a strange house by myself. I tried many things, and the help I found was in my good friend who came over to sleep there with me so that I could actually sleep. When she wasn't there, I kept a frightened vigil with my hand clutched around my keys and my cell phone, and with unhappy parents being called at all hours of the night to kill time while I waited for intruders that would never come.

I gained so much knowledge of relationships also. I learned that I am very stubborn, and that I greatly appreciate stubborn people, even when their hard-headedness makes me irritated and/or uncomfortable. And that stubbornness reveals tenderness and care. I learned once again that it is possible to spend too much time with a friend, though after years of too many sleepovers in a row, you would think I'd pick up on that! I found that people can surprise you and say really nice things when you least expect it, and that these suprises can wipe away any negative feelings you might have been having toward that person. A mixed crowd of eleven people can get along perfectly well, but there's always going to be that someone who has to bring up a personal problem in group conversation, thus creating an awkward situation for everyone else. But then there will be someone to make a joke of it, and it will all be back to normal. I learned that I really wish that I was friends with a cool, moderately older married couple, and that I would like to find a female mentor. And I learned that we can bother people without meaning to, and that even I have trouble opening those wounds after a night of letting them fester, despite my usual ease of manner in confrontation.

And I learned about God--prayer is so powerful. Especially praying aloud. I am terrified of praying aloud when others are around, but when I'm alone, it's just about the most wonderful thing on the planet. When I am anxious, praying aloud brings peace and confidence, and when I am broken, it brings healing (though sometimes painfully). I like to talk to God when I'm walking around the house, cleaning, cooking, whatever. God takes care of me in better ways than I ever could have imagined. This last bit is really about my whole summer--I went into this summer expecting to work thirty-five to forty hours a week, but I ended up working twenty-five or less, but that allowed me to visit my friends more. I grew closer with people that I wasn't expecting to befriend, and I grew away from some old friends. Also, my group of friends has shifted, and it has brought a myriad of beautiful changes in my life. Then I lost my job, which was a whole adventure in and of itself, and that allowed me to house-sit, which brought about all of the aforementioned learning. So yeah, I would definitely not have orchestrated this summer in the way that the Almighty saw fit, but of course, my plans consistently fail while his exceed all possible expectations. Praise the LORD!

That's enough reflecting for now, but I promise there is more to come. =)

Peace

i wonder as i wander

It occurred to me today that I wonder about a lot of things a lot of the time. The problem is that I'm highly inquisitive, so I ask questions. One question almost always leads to another, and another, and on until I can no longer remember what my original question or objective was!

Par example...the struggles I'm having with the Church, as I discuss probably more frequently than necessary, lead to questions that beget more and more questions. Here's how the dialogue began in my head: "I am dissatisfied with my church. Why? What exactly is it about this particular gathering of Christians that bothers me? (lack of community) Why does this lack of community bother me? (churches should create positive community in various ways withing themselves) Should I leave? What is a good reason to leave a specific worship community? What are good reasons to stay? (so I left) Wow! Orthodoxy is beautiful and powerful and so confusing! What is this for? Why do they do that? What do the colors mean? What's the deal with icons? (I've only just recently cleared that up) Why have women stopped becoming Orthodox deaconesses? Why am I wondering these things? Do I care? Why should I care? Will I ever convert? Should I? Why do other people convert? Is it better to stay where I am and do what I can to improve the situation? God's call is not always obvious to me, so how would I know? Is the Protestant church wrong? What about Catholicism? How do I know? Did the Bible provide any guidance for this particular type of situation, or are we all supposed to just figure it out? Obviously that's not working because there is so much division in the church and especially among Protestants--why? Can we not make more honest efforts to get along? Is there significant common ground? Should we not try our best regardless?"...and so on, and so on, and so on.....

Welcome one and all to my mind. On the one hand, my wondering causes me to learn much, and the layering effect of my questions generally provides answers from multiple views on the argument. I rarely make decisions without careful thought, which keeps me out of a lot of trouble. On the other hand, can you imagine thinking like this all the time? When I don't have anyone to talk to, I end up just thinking in circles. It goes back to the beginning eventually, and I realize that I have only moved a teeny tiny smidge forward from where I was--which, in reality, is better than not at all, I suppose. Anyway, I'm sure that my inquisitiveness is a gift that I will cherish for a very long time, even if it can be a bit annoying.

Peace

writing

I've been working on this workshop that I'm writing. It's on plagiarism--different forms and how to avoid them--and I'm getting paid to write it! Although not very glamorous, this is my first paid writing job and I'm very excited! I am a bit nervous because I need a rough draft by Friday and there are still some large formatting issues that I need to figure out, but it should be fine. My supervisor is very chill and we're meeting in July to talk about it and make the necessary changes, so I'm not too worried.

Anyway, I was writing the other day for a little over an hour, then I went downstairs for a break and some milk. I got downstairs and realized that I just earned money by sitting in my chair doing the kind of thing I've done for years (and often enjoyed). And I loved it! Now, I'm entirely sure how the whole writing books and articles as a professor thing works, but I think that if it is even remotely like this, I could definitely enjoy that aspect of professing. I wasn't worried about classwork and grading and mentoring and such--those are broadly the appeal. I was a teensy bit worried about the academic writing bit. No longer. So yeah, this is how I spend my summer--reading, working, visiting friends, and writing workshops on plagiarism for first-year undergraduates. Yay!

Peace

resolution update

As it's already halfway through the year somehow, I'd like to take a moment to return to my new year's resolutions and see how I've been doing.

1. Come up with more creative ways to get people to talk about themselves.
Well, this is not going in the direction that I thought it would, but the direction it is taking is good. I am learning a bit more about people in my efforts! For example, I have learned that some people are simply not good at or are not comfortable with telling stories about their lives. This is new to me, since I love both telling and listening to little anecdotes. Like, all day. That's what my friends and I do...I'll keep working on this one.

2. Start something new
The problem with this is that one must first come up with an idea to 'start.' This might take awhile.

3. Love others better
This is difficult to measure, but I think I am at least marginally successful in this area. Any growth in this is definitely from God and not me!

4. Learn a seemingly useless skill
I said "seemingy useless" because you never know when a skill is going to come in handy! Nothing comes to mind, but knowing me, I'll learn a bunch of them by the end of the year and not even know it.

5. Learn a skill that is actually useful
I now know how to grill the perfect burger. Disgusting, dirty, and sometimes painful, but it is in fact useful. I can be the totally awesome GIRL grilling at family cookouts instead of my uncles!

6. Read, play, eat, travel, decorate, blog, and create---outside the box
Okay, who am I kidding? I was bound to do this whether I resolved to or not. Check!

7. Make one plan for after college.
I have made one plan for after college. The plan is to not go to grad school for music. I didn't say it had to be a plan of action--my plan of non-action is perfectly valid for this case. For the record, I am pondering my options which are: take a year off and live in the city working...somewhere; do an MDiv, possibly add a ThM to that after I'm already in the school (tee-hee, I'm so sneaky), be in ministry for a while, go back to school and get a DMin and teach at a seminary (whew, that was a long one!); do an MDiv, get married, have children, rear said children while husband continues going to school, eventually go back to school, teach at university; get married, do MDiv, have children, let husband rear said children while I go back to school, teach at a university. Okay, so these are obviously only a few of the options. And some of them are indeed contingent upon my finding a suitable mate, getting into grad school, being physically able to reproduce, and all contingent upon my ability to fund my endeavors. However, with prayer and much counseling from my horde of fantastic counselors, I believe that everything will work out.

The year is still young, and so am I!

Peace

letters

I have just finished writing letters to three of my galfriends from school. I have already received a letter from my close friend Laurel in Washington and was responding to her. The other two were first letters sent to my friends--Johanna in Michigan and Amanda in Oregon.

Though I will not see these girls for a while (two months, seven months, and maybe years, respectively), I felt as though we had a physical point of contact through our letters. It's a great feeling, and reminds me of the sacraments (of course). Through our very concrete letters, not emails or Facebook or phone calls, we are able to hold on to a piece of each other until the next response to our piece comes to us. The letter that I received from Laurel is a treasure that I read at least once a day, remembering all of the fun we've had this past year in getting to know one another. Laurel and I were acquaintances freshman year, but at the very beginning of last year we swung on the swings together at the University Ministries student leader retreat and became fast friends. We've been close ever since, and our friendship just keeps growing. She and I are truly kindred spirits--similar aspirations, fears, joys, and wonderings. It's beautiful, and I'm glad that we can communicate in this way while she is at camp!

Johanna is a transfer from CBC Canada that I met in choir this year. We also took Paul together with Prof Willitts, which is where we first began bonding, but we grew closest during the choir tour to California. Now that we've finally become friends, she's studying abroad in Sweden in the fall!! So the letters are great for us, too. And as for Amanda, she was my mentee this year, and our relationship had an interesting start. I met her on the bus to the boat dance--she sat down next to me and basically told me her life's story on the ride to the dance and we've had coffee at least once a month ever since. No classes together, no common activities or hanging out, just little touchpoints here and there where we discussed life and her growth through her freshman year. She is transferring to BIOLA next year, but I should see her at her wedding in the next few years! Again, letters are very good. =)

I cannot wait until my girls respond! I've made a cute little box for the letters so that I can keep them to look at later, especially when Laurel and I are little old ladies sitting in rocking chairs reminiscing and we think all the way back to when we were in college and wrote each other these fun little letters!

Peace

a beautiful weekend

This weekend, Melissa and Christina (two of my roommates) and I and a bunch of our other friends from school gathered in Chicago and took the MegaBus down to St. Louis for our friends' wedding. Robert and Anna Eisenbraun were married on Saturday, May 31st at 1:30pm.

It was an absolutely lovely wedding, and I cried twice. Anna was georgous, and I've never seen Robert so happy. The two of them smiled their way through the reception. I cried twice during the ceremony (at the giving away part and the "I now pronounce you husband and wife" part), as did Christina, though Mel was able somehow to hold back her tears. Marriage is so incredibly moving and spectacular!

The weekend itself may have been the best one I've had with my friends. It was the first time that Christina lived with Melissa and I since we've been roommates for two years now and Christina will be joining us and two other girls in our apartment in the fall. So that dimension was expanded and beautified. Also, we all travelled together, the three of us and "the boys" and a few other female acquaintances, and riding a bus with people for six hours at a time definitely shows different sides of everyone and strengthens the relationship in strange ways.

Before we even left, I had a very nice long walk with my friend Josh and a very nice long breakfast with Mel. Matthew and I had a good walk on Sunday before I left as well, and all of these little touch points were fantastic for me. Since being home I have found that I left my heart in Chicago. Every time I go back it feels like I'm coming home, and I forget that I don't actually live there and sometimes I do things like invite myself over and offer my roommates' food to people who just show up at our door. Thankfully, they don't mind (I hope), probably in large part because I always make sure to bring gifts! It was a great weekend.

That's it for now. Peace

three views...one?

Last week I finished reading Three Views on Eastern Orthodoxy and Evangelicalism from the Counterpoints: Exploring Theology series edited by Stan Gundry. It was highly informative and thought-provoking, and I feel the need to reflect on it here.

These five authors addressed the question, "Are Eastern Orthodoxy and Evangelicalism compatible?" Each wrote an essay to which the other four responded, and then he wrote a concluding argument in response to theirs. One of the authors was our own Bradley Nassif, and I must begin my evaluation by saying that Professor Nassif did a fantastic job of keeping the two views in balance and debating with his peers in the most loving fashion imaginable. Kudos to him!

I do not want to say that the others were entirely unfair, as I understand that a question of this nature is a nearly impossible attempt to combine a wide variety of factors to form one small and somewhat unclear conclusion. There were many pages full of praise for one another's work and I believe the word "irenic" was used no less than four times by one author describing another. A great many beautiful comments resulted from this discussion, giving some hope for unity. However, despite these small glimpses of agreement (or, at least, appreciation), there were a great many pages filled with confusion on both sides. This confusion generally resulted from a misunderstanding or misdefinition of an author's opinion, or a misstatement of doctrine or misreading of patristics. It was disheartening and a bit frustrating at times to read these authors as they argued over points that could have been cleared up with a helping of patience and a closer investigation of beliefs and doctrine.

I believe that there is a greater issue here that was only very lightly touched on in a few of the responses, and that is that the question at hand is not the appropriate question to be asking and answering. The question posed to these men was, "Are Eastern Orthodoxy and Evangelicalism compatible?" If we truly believe as I think we do that Christ intends the Church to be a loving body, caring for itself and the world, then the question that we must ask is, "HOW can Eastern Orthodoxy and Evangelicalism (and Catholicism, Emerging, Fundamentalism, etc.) begin to better understand and love one another in a Christ-like manner, above all of the doctrinal issues that separate us?" I do not want to diminish the importance of the doctrines and elements of church structure that are the beginning of many ecumenical arguments, but I do think that these elements might best be held lightly in one hand while the other works to establish healthy, holy connections with other branches of the Body. Your little finger does not say to the rest of the body, "Well guys, I think I'm going off into the world on my own until Christ returns--see you later!" For the good of the Church and for those outside looking in and seeing the turmoil resulting from our current diminished state of ecumenical dialogue, we absolutely must begin to regard our brothers and sisters with less skeptical eyes and with love.

It is likely that I will write more on this later.

Peace

a small rant

Okay, so I'm sure this is a complete cliche on the blogosphere right now, but I MUST say something about gas prices. Four years ago, I was paying around two dollars a gallon and I thought that was a lot, but four dollars? Really? In a few months, no one is going to be able to afford to do anything, or buy groceries, or leave their houses. In case you haven't noticed, prices have gone up on everything because it costs more to deliver the product in the first place. So, no one can afford to drive to the grocery store, or buy groceries, or drive to work to make money to pay for gas to drive to work...

HOWEVER, despite all of this nonsense, good has come of the gas "crisis." At least for me. I now ride my bike everywhere possible (work, store, library) and have seen many others doing the same. I noticed a bunch of people riding their bikes to school with their kids--families that would normally drive their kids to school. And, when I ride my bike to work, I see all kinds of birds that I haven't seen in a long time like red-winged blackbirds, goldfinches, black-capped chickadees, and cardinals. Beautiful! I hope that in this time of low economics, our country's families are able to grow closer and develop comraderie as a result. It sounds naive, and it is, but hey, I'm still allowed to be a little optimistic!!

Peace

new leaf

Haha--I've been saying that all day and I've only just realized how appropriate it is that I should declare my new leaf on one of the first true days of spring.

For those of you unfamiliar with this phrase, and there are many from what I observed today, "turning over a new leaf" means that one has decided to do something differently in their life. To turn over a new leaf is to move from something that is not working to something that is. It's rather significant and should have a more dignified cliche attached, but I suppose there are worse cliches...

Anyway, the new leaf is this: From this day forward, with God's help, I shall be open with those whom I consider to be friends and not bury my negative emotions until they overwhelm me. I commit to being at all times as genuine as I can be, and to work to improve my capacity for intimate friendships. Please pray for me and hold me accountable--I'll need all of the help I can get!

Thanks y'all.

Peace

an experience for which there are no adjectives

When titling this post I encountered the difficulty I have been facing since yesterday morning: How do I describe my first experience with Eastern Orthodoxy? I could tell you about all of the individual moments that stand out most, or the people I met, or that I felt something different about that service than I've rarely encountered in my life. I might say that it was "profound" or "moving" or "spiritual," but none of those words are truly appropriate.

In an attempt to describe what I'm feeling, I shall begin by sharing three of the most memorable experiences. Having never been to an Orthodox service of any kind, my Orthodox friends will please excuse any ignorant comments that I unwittingly make. I will do my best to be as accurate as possible in my description of the events.

I entered the church, walked up a few steps, and was immediately faced with an empty room. I realized rather quickly that there were chairs to the side and at the back, but everyone was standing. Though I had expected this, I was still not prepared for the small space and had thought that I might be able to sink into the background unnoticed. Not so!! I hadn't been in the place two minutes before a very sweet woman with her head covered approached me with the most sincerely welcoming smile I've seen in a long time and asked, "Is this your very first Eastern Orthodox service?" "Umm, yes. Yes, it is." She told me not to feel self-conscious and comforted me by telling me that almost everyone in the room had at one point been completely new to Orthodoxy as well. I was a little sad that I had been that obviously new, but considering the size and intimacy of the parish it is hardly surprising that I was spotted so quickly. This woman (I intend to learn her name next week) approached me at least once more during the service to ask how I was doing and to tell me that I could sit down if I needed to and that I shouldn't be embarassed about it.

Later in the service I recieved a blessing from Father Patrick. I had no idea how that would effect me, but it left me feeling...blessed, I suppose. I don't really know. He bent toward me a little and said, "And what is your name, precious?" I just about cried. It was the sweetest thing, and in that moment I understood why priests are celibate--they really are the "fathers" of their parishes and ought to have the time and emotional energy to care for all of their "children." I think the closest I could come to describing my emotion after that particular experience is to say that I felt joy in a way that I rarely do. It was peaceful, yet tenacious, and I feel it now as I remember that blessing!

The Veneration of the Cross is the last experience I will share with you before I finish. It occurred at the beginning and end of our time there, but I only participated the second time. The first time I felt it was prudent, knowing that there would be another chance, to observe and make mental note of the process and have some time to think about it before actually participating. Helpfully, Father Pat discussed the reason behind the practice in his homily, so I was given further motivation. This aspect of the service is simple to explain--the people line up and prostrate themselves before a small brass cross several times before kissing it and bowing again. The whole time, a chant is going that is repeated again and again. This is another moment that I'm having trouble explaining, but I think I could give it a shot! It felt...right. Like it was finally not about me or us or them...okay, well, I guess I can't really explain as well as I would like, but you get the idea. Transformational might be a good word. I don't know.

These are just a few of the things that I remember from yesterday. As I've been thinking about this as I write, some things came to mind. First, despite the discomfort accompanying an entirely new experience, I never once felt that anyone thought anything of my presence. Which brings me to my second point--the entire service was SO about GOD! It was not about me, it was not about the group that I came with, and it wasn't about the priest or the deacons or the parish or the building or the music or any of that. It was all about God. Everything. In that stretch of time our focus was directed toward the worship of our Creator, Master, Saviour, and Judge. I felt God's prescence yesterday in a way that I normally only do when I'm alone with him, and I am actually waiting in expectation for next Sunday. I don't think that this evaluation could ever possibly express what happened to me yesterday, but I'm glad I tried. =)

Peace

worship wonderings

I had an interesting experience at chapel today. I have always enjoyed chapel, and I was especially excited about worship today because we've started a new series on worship and to coincide with our topic, we've begun having different types of worship services every week. This was the first week, and all of the chairs were placed in a circle with a large cross in the middle. We also read scripture together and the worship team was mixed in with us so it was more like we were "all in this together." That part of the service I enjoyed VERY much and I wish it was more like that all the time. Side note: For my senior recital, I will most certainly be asking for the stage to be lowered to floor level--I don't need to be towering over my audience! But this is a discussion for another time...

Back to chapel. So, things were great until the sermon--not that I don't love Pastor Judy, I think she's the best thing since sliced bread--but I felt a little funny about what she had to say. We read together in the Psalms the "as the deer pants for the water..." passage, and as soon as she started speaking I could tell that she was going to tell us to be grateful that we can come to worship so often, that we don't even know what's is like to hunger for God...etc. But it didn't stop there. I fully agree that we are blessed in this country in that we are free to attend whatever church, synagogue, mosque, or whatever else and worship as we choose. This is a blessing and a privelege that we enjoy. I would argue that regardless of this freedom I have indeed experienced a hunger for God that would have driven me to "drink from any ol' stream" as Judy said, but until about eight minutes in, that was the only small disagreement I had. No problem.

Then came the portion that was most disconserting to me. She was talking most specifically about different worship traditions, and how people "shop around" for a church that suits their preferences. Some disagree with this practice, but I do not--a fact which is perhaps relevant but for which I am out of space here. However, the most difficult part for me was not really any specific statement that Judy made, but a general attitude that she had toward our culture. The basic proposition was this: "We live in a society and attend a school where we are able to access worship whenever we want it. We can participate in small groups and in all kinds of service projects, attend chapel and CollegeLife, and we never go hungry or have an almost visceral desire for God. As the community of this university we can worship God wherever and whenever, but we are never fed because we are never hungry." This would not have been so upsetting had it not been for the fact that she did not provide a solution to this problem. It seemed to me that she was suggesting that we shouldn't take Bible classes or do devotions or come to chapel and CollegeLife or church...so that we can be hungry?

I agree that we have an excess of choice. There is something a bit unnatural about our economy--the constant consumeristic wanting more--and that I don't always NEED to go to church on Sunday. Yes, we are picky about worship and we are choosy about sermon topics and tradition. I agree. There is something wrong with the way our country works. But how do we fix it?

What I do not agree with is the view that the very fact that we are able to choose what worship style we participate in is a sinful thing. She said that we are living in this sinful lifestyle of wanting specific things out of worship services. Is it sinful to have this opportunity and to take advantage of it? Or is it sinful to have the opportunity to worship God freely and NOT take advantage of it?? Are American Christians supposed to just sit by and make people be hungry for God by not planting more churches? What about those who have never been to church because it's uncomfortable and they don't like what they see when they're there? They certainly are not going to keep showing up if it doesn't suit them! Are we not supposed to have variety? God's people experience Him and experience worshiping Him in different ways.

I'm getting a little off-topic. What I'm trying to say is that I don't believe that we can condemn a "consumeristic" approach to finding a church home as sinful because it does not cause us to hunger for God. I don't believe that searching for the most comfortable church is the issue here--the issue is that many people in my society have forgotten what it is like to desire God almost viscerally, to want to be in his prescence. Why? I'm not sure. But I don't like having the word "sinful" tossed about without any suggestion for a solution.

Anywho, I'm going to leave this tangled mess for now. It's your turn. I KNOW there are people out there reading this (you know who you are!) who never comment. I even know that some of you check this blog every day and never comment on a post--well, here's your chance! What do you think? Is it sinful to participate in a consumption-based society by attending the church most suited to your worship style? How can we solve this problem? Do you think my argument is ridiculous (or unclear...umm..)? TELL ME.

Peace

supeVrdupeOrmardigTrastuesEday

Mmm'kay. What that says is "Super Duper Mardi Gras Tuesday" with VOTE mixed in. Because.....



I VOTED TODAY!



Yep, that's right. I voted. In the primaries. Today.

It was so great. It took about two minutes and I've been on this fantastic high all day. It's liberating! It's fun! I am absolutely amazed by how cool that was. And I REALLY want to hug all of the wonderful women (and men) who came before me and made it possible for me to vote today. I felt like I was a part of this huge and wondrous legacy!!! YAY!

So, basically, Y'ALL SHOULD VOTE IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY AND IF YOU DON'T THE OVER-SEVENTY GENERATION WILL CONTINUE TO DECIDE OUR POLITICS.

Okay, vote rant's over. Lata, peeps.

Peace

pre-Lenten babblings

I didn't really used to understand Lent. We didn't participate in Lent at my first church (way way back in the day), and the church at which I spent the majority of my formative years didn't really celebrate it appropriately. I don't remember much about it except that I always gave up chocolate, and my birthday was always during Lent, so my mom would let me "cheat" and have a chocolate cake on my birthday. It was a time of irritation for me more than anything else, and not much changed until last year.

Last year was my first year truly observing Lent. It was finally explained to me, and now that it has been made perfectly clear that Lent is preparation for Easter, it all makes sense. We fast and pray to prepare ourselves for the joy that comes from Christ's resurrection. It's amazing that I wasn't aware of this for so many years growing up in the church. I honestly don't believe that many of the people from my church knew what was happening!

Anyway, this year I am giving up Facebook...sigh...because I spend far too much time on it doing nothing important. I should be spending that time with the real people I have right next to me all day long! So don't look for me there!

I may post some updates on my Facebook fast. We'll see.

Peace

i'm totally trying too hard

That's what I realized this weekend. I spent last weekend practically wallowing in all of my sins and personal faults (that lead to more sins, more often than not) to the extent that I actually WANTED to go home. I don't usually have a particular desire to visit my parents, not that I don't love my family, I am just incredibly happy at school and have a fantastic time living life with my friends. We laugh, we cry, we eat, we do homework, we sleep....mmm'kay, listing is over. But the last weekend of January was just so icky that I felt like I would never snap out of it, like I was in this pit and nothing could drag me out. So I prayed and cried and prayed and stared at the wall and prayed and called my mom. I tried to explain without crying (which, thankfully, is much easier over the phone) but she was worried enough to say, "You should come home this weekend" in that grave, I-am-your-mother-and-you-will-obey-me tone.

So I did. It was quite pleasant because I got to take the train(s). Two hours split between the El and Union Station doesn't sound to most like a pleasant way to spend the afternoon, but I always find public transportation to be a most fantastic place for "me time." Public transportation is designed in such a way as to make everyone participating in it suffiently awkward to the point where no one speaks to anyone else and occasionally I enjoy taking advantage of the uncomfortable silence. I know, it's not very Christ-like loving of me, but let's not dwell on that for the moment. I just got over the crappiest weekend that I've had at school for cryin' out loud!

Actually, I was feeling much better before I left for my parents' house on Friday, but that's not really all that important to the story. So there I was, at home, doing wonderful things like sledding--watching my father go down the hill on that tiny purple sled from when I was five was just about the greatest thing EVER--shopping, and just lazin' around watching movies, and I got to thinking about why I started on that nasty self-disdain kick.

To make a long story short, I was feeling immensly stressed because I looked ahead to the rest of my semester and saw a whirling mass of obligations and responsibilities that I wasn't sure I could or even had the desire to handle (I was so tempted to write "handel"). Then I began to wonder if I was happy with the way things are going for me, and that led to "Am I happy with myself?" which when one is in such a mood is always a terrible question to ask. If you are ever feeling horrible about your life, by all means do not ask yourself if you're happy with yourself. If it does not send you into a nasty bout of self-loathing, I commend you for either your ignorance or your nonchalance. But I digress...

I discovered something through all of this that is actually not as profound as I've led you to believe--I'm actually not that busy this semester. Yeah. I mean, sure, I'm taking ten classes (again) and I have my degree approval jury, a recital, four term papers, a composition, my job, etc., but I really don't have much to do. It sounds crazy to you but that's because did not experience my last semester. Oh......my.......gosh. Now that was crazy. And I thought this would be worse, but my workload truly is lighter because my Dialogue class (that crazy writing thing I was talking about) is a piece of cake and my music classes really don't require that much homework. So all I need to worry about is keeping my performance-related business together and I'll be fine. *sigh*

The point is, I got all worked up over nothing as usual, and I'm all better now. I really should just RELAX. If you remember to pray for me, pray for peace. As always...

Peace