I'm not particularly fond of weekends. I know it sounds crazy--college student, single, livin' it up, right? Well, the problem with weekends is that I am inevitably reminded of those things which I should do but that I do not do. That, and it often happens that all of my motivation disappears and I don't really get any work done or accomplish much, or see my friends for that matter. This weekend was one of those weekends. I don't generally like to be whiney in my posts, but it is authentically me at the moment, and there's no use pretending everything's okay.
I guess my issues aren't really that big on the surface. There are basically three: 1) I don't feel like calling my mom, but I haven't talked to her in a while and I know I should; 2) I don't feel like doing my homework; 3) I have roommate issues. Beneath the surface, however, these three issues are actually quite a lot more complicated. I don't really want to get into it, but if you use your imagination, I bet you'll figure something out.
The point is not that I'm sitting on my haunches--it's okay for a person to do that sometimes. The point is that I have an aversion to doing anything that might potentially be painful. Last semester was quite scarring for me (though I was rescued by the grace of God and my beautiful friends), and so now I spend a lot of time trying to avoid pain, which is ridiculous because pain will catch up with us whether we want it to or not. There is no escaping life. It's difficult, but anything worth having is worth working for and failing at every now in then. In fact, many people are aware that pain is a necessary part of growth and maturity, and without it I would remain an awkward child my whole life. So, essentially, I am avoiding the inevitable.
Really, when I sit down to think about it, all of those issues could and probably would eventually be resolved. It is simply the path that would take me there that I am trying to avoid...
Well, I don't think I really made a point in this post, but I have decided to call my mom, for what it's worth.
Showing posts with label confused contemplations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label confused contemplations. Show all posts
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
i wonder as i wander
It occurred to me today that I wonder about a lot of things a lot of the time. The problem is that I'm highly inquisitive, so I ask questions. One question almost always leads to another, and another, and on until I can no longer remember what my original question or objective was!
Par example...the struggles I'm having with the Church, as I discuss probably more frequently than necessary, lead to questions that beget more and more questions. Here's how the dialogue began in my head: "I am dissatisfied with my church. Why? What exactly is it about this particular gathering of Christians that bothers me? (lack of community) Why does this lack of community bother me? (churches should create positive community in various ways withing themselves) Should I leave? What is a good reason to leave a specific worship community? What are good reasons to stay? (so I left) Wow! Orthodoxy is beautiful and powerful and so confusing! What is this for? Why do they do that? What do the colors mean? What's the deal with icons? (I've only just recently cleared that up) Why have women stopped becoming Orthodox deaconesses? Why am I wondering these things? Do I care? Why should I care? Will I ever convert? Should I? Why do other people convert? Is it better to stay where I am and do what I can to improve the situation? God's call is not always obvious to me, so how would I know? Is the Protestant church wrong? What about Catholicism? How do I know? Did the Bible provide any guidance for this particular type of situation, or are we all supposed to just figure it out? Obviously that's not working because there is so much division in the church and especially among Protestants--why? Can we not make more honest efforts to get along? Is there significant common ground? Should we not try our best regardless?"...and so on, and so on, and so on.....
Welcome one and all to my mind. On the one hand, my wondering causes me to learn much, and the layering effect of my questions generally provides answers from multiple views on the argument. I rarely make decisions without careful thought, which keeps me out of a lot of trouble. On the other hand, can you imagine thinking like this all the time? When I don't have anyone to talk to, I end up just thinking in circles. It goes back to the beginning eventually, and I realize that I have only moved a teeny tiny smidge forward from where I was--which, in reality, is better than not at all, I suppose. Anyway, I'm sure that my inquisitiveness is a gift that I will cherish for a very long time, even if it can be a bit annoying.
Peace
Par example...the struggles I'm having with the Church, as I discuss probably more frequently than necessary, lead to questions that beget more and more questions. Here's how the dialogue began in my head: "I am dissatisfied with my church. Why? What exactly is it about this particular gathering of Christians that bothers me? (lack of community) Why does this lack of community bother me? (churches should create positive community in various ways withing themselves) Should I leave? What is a good reason to leave a specific worship community? What are good reasons to stay? (so I left) Wow! Orthodoxy is beautiful and powerful and so confusing! What is this for? Why do they do that? What do the colors mean? What's the deal with icons? (I've only just recently cleared that up) Why have women stopped becoming Orthodox deaconesses? Why am I wondering these things? Do I care? Why should I care? Will I ever convert? Should I? Why do other people convert? Is it better to stay where I am and do what I can to improve the situation? God's call is not always obvious to me, so how would I know? Is the Protestant church wrong? What about Catholicism? How do I know? Did the Bible provide any guidance for this particular type of situation, or are we all supposed to just figure it out? Obviously that's not working because there is so much division in the church and especially among Protestants--why? Can we not make more honest efforts to get along? Is there significant common ground? Should we not try our best regardless?"...and so on, and so on, and so on.....
Welcome one and all to my mind. On the one hand, my wondering causes me to learn much, and the layering effect of my questions generally provides answers from multiple views on the argument. I rarely make decisions without careful thought, which keeps me out of a lot of trouble. On the other hand, can you imagine thinking like this all the time? When I don't have anyone to talk to, I end up just thinking in circles. It goes back to the beginning eventually, and I realize that I have only moved a teeny tiny smidge forward from where I was--which, in reality, is better than not at all, I suppose. Anyway, I'm sure that my inquisitiveness is a gift that I will cherish for a very long time, even if it can be a bit annoying.
Peace
Monday, March 31, 2008
an experience for which there are no adjectives
When titling this post I encountered the difficulty I have been facing since yesterday morning: How do I describe my first experience with Eastern Orthodoxy? I could tell you about all of the individual moments that stand out most, or the people I met, or that I felt something different about that service than I've rarely encountered in my life. I might say that it was "profound" or "moving" or "spiritual," but none of those words are truly appropriate.
In an attempt to describe what I'm feeling, I shall begin by sharing three of the most memorable experiences. Having never been to an Orthodox service of any kind, my Orthodox friends will please excuse any ignorant comments that I unwittingly make. I will do my best to be as accurate as possible in my description of the events.
I entered the church, walked up a few steps, and was immediately faced with an empty room. I realized rather quickly that there were chairs to the side and at the back, but everyone was standing. Though I had expected this, I was still not prepared for the small space and had thought that I might be able to sink into the background unnoticed. Not so!! I hadn't been in the place two minutes before a very sweet woman with her head covered approached me with the most sincerely welcoming smile I've seen in a long time and asked, "Is this your very first Eastern Orthodox service?" "Umm, yes. Yes, it is." She told me not to feel self-conscious and comforted me by telling me that almost everyone in the room had at one point been completely new to Orthodoxy as well. I was a little sad that I had been that obviously new, but considering the size and intimacy of the parish it is hardly surprising that I was spotted so quickly. This woman (I intend to learn her name next week) approached me at least once more during the service to ask how I was doing and to tell me that I could sit down if I needed to and that I shouldn't be embarassed about it.
Later in the service I recieved a blessing from Father Patrick. I had no idea how that would effect me, but it left me feeling...blessed, I suppose. I don't really know. He bent toward me a little and said, "And what is your name, precious?" I just about cried. It was the sweetest thing, and in that moment I understood why priests are celibate--they really are the "fathers" of their parishes and ought to have the time and emotional energy to care for all of their "children." I think the closest I could come to describing my emotion after that particular experience is to say that I felt joy in a way that I rarely do. It was peaceful, yet tenacious, and I feel it now as I remember that blessing!
The Veneration of the Cross is the last experience I will share with you before I finish. It occurred at the beginning and end of our time there, but I only participated the second time. The first time I felt it was prudent, knowing that there would be another chance, to observe and make mental note of the process and have some time to think about it before actually participating. Helpfully, Father Pat discussed the reason behind the practice in his homily, so I was given further motivation. This aspect of the service is simple to explain--the people line up and prostrate themselves before a small brass cross several times before kissing it and bowing again. The whole time, a chant is going that is repeated again and again. This is another moment that I'm having trouble explaining, but I think I could give it a shot! It felt...right. Like it was finally not about me or us or them...okay, well, I guess I can't really explain as well as I would like, but you get the idea. Transformational might be a good word. I don't know.
These are just a few of the things that I remember from yesterday. As I've been thinking about this as I write, some things came to mind. First, despite the discomfort accompanying an entirely new experience, I never once felt that anyone thought anything of my presence. Which brings me to my second point--the entire service was SO about GOD! It was not about me, it was not about the group that I came with, and it wasn't about the priest or the deacons or the parish or the building or the music or any of that. It was all about God. Everything. In that stretch of time our focus was directed toward the worship of our Creator, Master, Saviour, and Judge. I felt God's prescence yesterday in a way that I normally only do when I'm alone with him, and I am actually waiting in expectation for next Sunday. I don't think that this evaluation could ever possibly express what happened to me yesterday, but I'm glad I tried. =)
Peace
In an attempt to describe what I'm feeling, I shall begin by sharing three of the most memorable experiences. Having never been to an Orthodox service of any kind, my Orthodox friends will please excuse any ignorant comments that I unwittingly make. I will do my best to be as accurate as possible in my description of the events.
I entered the church, walked up a few steps, and was immediately faced with an empty room. I realized rather quickly that there were chairs to the side and at the back, but everyone was standing. Though I had expected this, I was still not prepared for the small space and had thought that I might be able to sink into the background unnoticed. Not so!! I hadn't been in the place two minutes before a very sweet woman with her head covered approached me with the most sincerely welcoming smile I've seen in a long time and asked, "Is this your very first Eastern Orthodox service?" "Umm, yes. Yes, it is." She told me not to feel self-conscious and comforted me by telling me that almost everyone in the room had at one point been completely new to Orthodoxy as well. I was a little sad that I had been that obviously new, but considering the size and intimacy of the parish it is hardly surprising that I was spotted so quickly. This woman (I intend to learn her name next week) approached me at least once more during the service to ask how I was doing and to tell me that I could sit down if I needed to and that I shouldn't be embarassed about it.
Later in the service I recieved a blessing from Father Patrick. I had no idea how that would effect me, but it left me feeling...blessed, I suppose. I don't really know. He bent toward me a little and said, "And what is your name, precious?" I just about cried. It was the sweetest thing, and in that moment I understood why priests are celibate--they really are the "fathers" of their parishes and ought to have the time and emotional energy to care for all of their "children." I think the closest I could come to describing my emotion after that particular experience is to say that I felt joy in a way that I rarely do. It was peaceful, yet tenacious, and I feel it now as I remember that blessing!
The Veneration of the Cross is the last experience I will share with you before I finish. It occurred at the beginning and end of our time there, but I only participated the second time. The first time I felt it was prudent, knowing that there would be another chance, to observe and make mental note of the process and have some time to think about it before actually participating. Helpfully, Father Pat discussed the reason behind the practice in his homily, so I was given further motivation. This aspect of the service is simple to explain--the people line up and prostrate themselves before a small brass cross several times before kissing it and bowing again. The whole time, a chant is going that is repeated again and again. This is another moment that I'm having trouble explaining, but I think I could give it a shot! It felt...right. Like it was finally not about me or us or them...okay, well, I guess I can't really explain as well as I would like, but you get the idea. Transformational might be a good word. I don't know.
These are just a few of the things that I remember from yesterday. As I've been thinking about this as I write, some things came to mind. First, despite the discomfort accompanying an entirely new experience, I never once felt that anyone thought anything of my presence. Which brings me to my second point--the entire service was SO about GOD! It was not about me, it was not about the group that I came with, and it wasn't about the priest or the deacons or the parish or the building or the music or any of that. It was all about God. Everything. In that stretch of time our focus was directed toward the worship of our Creator, Master, Saviour, and Judge. I felt God's prescence yesterday in a way that I normally only do when I'm alone with him, and I am actually waiting in expectation for next Sunday. I don't think that this evaluation could ever possibly express what happened to me yesterday, but I'm glad I tried. =)
Peace
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
worship wonderings
I had an interesting experience at chapel today. I have always enjoyed chapel, and I was especially excited about worship today because we've started a new series on worship and to coincide with our topic, we've begun having different types of worship services every week. This was the first week, and all of the chairs were placed in a circle with a large cross in the middle. We also read scripture together and the worship team was mixed in with us so it was more like we were "all in this together." That part of the service I enjoyed VERY much and I wish it was more like that all the time. Side note: For my senior recital, I will most certainly be asking for the stage to be lowered to floor level--I don't need to be towering over my audience! But this is a discussion for another time...
Back to chapel. So, things were great until the sermon--not that I don't love Pastor Judy, I think she's the best thing since sliced bread--but I felt a little funny about what she had to say. We read together in the Psalms the "as the deer pants for the water..." passage, and as soon as she started speaking I could tell that she was going to tell us to be grateful that we can come to worship so often, that we don't even know what's is like to hunger for God...etc. But it didn't stop there. I fully agree that we are blessed in this country in that we are free to attend whatever church, synagogue, mosque, or whatever else and worship as we choose. This is a blessing and a privelege that we enjoy. I would argue that regardless of this freedom I have indeed experienced a hunger for God that would have driven me to "drink from any ol' stream" as Judy said, but until about eight minutes in, that was the only small disagreement I had. No problem.
Then came the portion that was most disconserting to me. She was talking most specifically about different worship traditions, and how people "shop around" for a church that suits their preferences. Some disagree with this practice, but I do not--a fact which is perhaps relevant but for which I am out of space here. However, the most difficult part for me was not really any specific statement that Judy made, but a general attitude that she had toward our culture. The basic proposition was this: "We live in a society and attend a school where we are able to access worship whenever we want it. We can participate in small groups and in all kinds of service projects, attend chapel and CollegeLife, and we never go hungry or have an almost visceral desire for God. As the community of this university we can worship God wherever and whenever, but we are never fed because we are never hungry." This would not have been so upsetting had it not been for the fact that she did not provide a solution to this problem. It seemed to me that she was suggesting that we shouldn't take Bible classes or do devotions or come to chapel and CollegeLife or church...so that we can be hungry?
I agree that we have an excess of choice. There is something a bit unnatural about our economy--the constant consumeristic wanting more--and that I don't always NEED to go to church on Sunday. Yes, we are picky about worship and we are choosy about sermon topics and tradition. I agree. There is something wrong with the way our country works. But how do we fix it?
What I do not agree with is the view that the very fact that we are able to choose what worship style we participate in is a sinful thing. She said that we are living in this sinful lifestyle of wanting specific things out of worship services. Is it sinful to have this opportunity and to take advantage of it? Or is it sinful to have the opportunity to worship God freely and NOT take advantage of it?? Are American Christians supposed to just sit by and make people be hungry for God by not planting more churches? What about those who have never been to church because it's uncomfortable and they don't like what they see when they're there? They certainly are not going to keep showing up if it doesn't suit them! Are we not supposed to have variety? God's people experience Him and experience worshiping Him in different ways.
I'm getting a little off-topic. What I'm trying to say is that I don't believe that we can condemn a "consumeristic" approach to finding a church home as sinful because it does not cause us to hunger for God. I don't believe that searching for the most comfortable church is the issue here--the issue is that many people in my society have forgotten what it is like to desire God almost viscerally, to want to be in his prescence. Why? I'm not sure. But I don't like having the word "sinful" tossed about without any suggestion for a solution.
Anywho, I'm going to leave this tangled mess for now. It's your turn. I KNOW there are people out there reading this (you know who you are!) who never comment. I even know that some of you check this blog every day and never comment on a post--well, here's your chance! What do you think? Is it sinful to participate in a consumption-based society by attending the church most suited to your worship style? How can we solve this problem? Do you think my argument is ridiculous (or unclear...umm..)? TELL ME.
Peace
Back to chapel. So, things were great until the sermon--not that I don't love Pastor Judy, I think she's the best thing since sliced bread--but I felt a little funny about what she had to say. We read together in the Psalms the "as the deer pants for the water..." passage, and as soon as she started speaking I could tell that she was going to tell us to be grateful that we can come to worship so often, that we don't even know what's is like to hunger for God...etc. But it didn't stop there. I fully agree that we are blessed in this country in that we are free to attend whatever church, synagogue, mosque, or whatever else and worship as we choose. This is a blessing and a privelege that we enjoy. I would argue that regardless of this freedom I have indeed experienced a hunger for God that would have driven me to "drink from any ol' stream" as Judy said, but until about eight minutes in, that was the only small disagreement I had. No problem.
Then came the portion that was most disconserting to me. She was talking most specifically about different worship traditions, and how people "shop around" for a church that suits their preferences. Some disagree with this practice, but I do not--a fact which is perhaps relevant but for which I am out of space here. However, the most difficult part for me was not really any specific statement that Judy made, but a general attitude that she had toward our culture. The basic proposition was this: "We live in a society and attend a school where we are able to access worship whenever we want it. We can participate in small groups and in all kinds of service projects, attend chapel and CollegeLife, and we never go hungry or have an almost visceral desire for God. As the community of this university we can worship God wherever and whenever, but we are never fed because we are never hungry." This would not have been so upsetting had it not been for the fact that she did not provide a solution to this problem. It seemed to me that she was suggesting that we shouldn't take Bible classes or do devotions or come to chapel and CollegeLife or church...so that we can be hungry?
I agree that we have an excess of choice. There is something a bit unnatural about our economy--the constant consumeristic wanting more--and that I don't always NEED to go to church on Sunday. Yes, we are picky about worship and we are choosy about sermon topics and tradition. I agree. There is something wrong with the way our country works. But how do we fix it?
What I do not agree with is the view that the very fact that we are able to choose what worship style we participate in is a sinful thing. She said that we are living in this sinful lifestyle of wanting specific things out of worship services. Is it sinful to have this opportunity and to take advantage of it? Or is it sinful to have the opportunity to worship God freely and NOT take advantage of it?? Are American Christians supposed to just sit by and make people be hungry for God by not planting more churches? What about those who have never been to church because it's uncomfortable and they don't like what they see when they're there? They certainly are not going to keep showing up if it doesn't suit them! Are we not supposed to have variety? God's people experience Him and experience worshiping Him in different ways.
I'm getting a little off-topic. What I'm trying to say is that I don't believe that we can condemn a "consumeristic" approach to finding a church home as sinful because it does not cause us to hunger for God. I don't believe that searching for the most comfortable church is the issue here--the issue is that many people in my society have forgotten what it is like to desire God almost viscerally, to want to be in his prescence. Why? I'm not sure. But I don't like having the word "sinful" tossed about without any suggestion for a solution.
Anywho, I'm going to leave this tangled mess for now. It's your turn. I KNOW there are people out there reading this (you know who you are!) who never comment. I even know that some of you check this blog every day and never comment on a post--well, here's your chance! What do you think? Is it sinful to participate in a consumption-based society by attending the church most suited to your worship style? How can we solve this problem? Do you think my argument is ridiculous (or unclear...umm..)? TELL ME.
Peace
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