Tuesday, July 14, 2009

letting go

I am so uptight, it's crazy. I know this about myself, but I still have moments where I freak out about my tiny imperfections. Everyone has crap to deal with--why am I such a Puritan?!?!

I think that much of this could be explained by the fact that I am the first-born child of my parents'. First-born children are often perfectionists, very hard on themselves, and likely hard on others though they may also try to do everything for others whom they view to be incompetent. Anyone that knows me is reading this and thinking, "Yeah...prettymuch." I have always been a spectacular student, very morally sensitive, sensitive in general, and given to taking over excessive amounts of responsibility, especially when I feel that if I don't do something, it will not get done. I always end up doing too much, whether it be involvement in school activities (emotionally or temperally), work, or accepting extra responsibilities. Then, when I fail to measure up to my own ridiculous expectations (which I inevitably do), it's the end of the world.

Another reason may be that my dad grew up in an insanely conservative household. The funny thing about that is that many of his family members were/are rather "immoral" by conservative standards, but I guess that's why those people are generally ignored by the rest of the family. My aunt had a baby girl when she was seventeen and then she married another guy, one of my uncles has been married three times and divorced twice, and another of my uncles had a shotgun wedding because his girlfriend got pregnant with my cousin. My grandparents don't get along half the time. I think the only "normal" person in my dad's family is my dad, though he screwed it up by marrying my mom, who had a "history" and was even more poor than my father (my grandmother tried to break them up for sixteen years until she finally realized that they were going to stay married). And everyone acts like everything is okay!! I think my dad's family would be much healthier if they just acknowledged that they're screwed up.

Anyway, that being said, I need to chill out. I've been advised by my loving boyfriend to "just smoke some pot or something"--really, just to get out there and make some unsafe choices. This does not necessarily mean that I need to do stupid things like smoke pot and get arrested, just that I should go outside myself and meet some different sorts of people and pop the stupid bubble that I live in. I think that's exactly what I need, and I've been waiting for someone to tell me that for a long time. People usually just tell me that it'll be okay, but that just perpetuates my perfectionism and obsession.

That being said, freedom is on the way.

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