Friday, December 19, 2008

reflections from the desert: part two

As I was saying, the whole Opera thing was only the beginning. I had two people very very upset with me for about two weeks. Then it just disappeared, and a good thing, too, because after that little bit of drama came the rest.

Two weeks into school, I decided to finally get rid of this burden of sin that I was carrying around with me for about six years. I was at the University Ministries Student Leadership retreat and I had been feeling especially guilty for two months, and that evening at the worship service I realized that I just couldn't keep my secret inside me any longer. Honestly, it was the worst and best feeling, which is how I have come to describe this entire semester. I had a bit of a panic attack while I was waiting for the darn thing to be over--I'd decided very early in the service that I needed to tell someone about it, and decided shortly thereafter that it would be our campus pastor, and I was made to sit there for what felt like an eternity. Then I needed to go to the little girls' room and I had to make Judy wait...THEN there was someone talking to her for twenty minutes when I returned and I just stood there freaking myself out. She finally called me over, and I told her. When I left, I cried a lot. I thought I was done.

HA! Boy, I do often wonder how God puts up with me. Seriously, he must just be laughing at me most of the time. I like to make my little plans and think that I control my life---not so! He always comes up with something better.

Well, I wasn't done. I started going to see said campus pastor about once a week for accountability and direction. A week after the retreat, my roommate suffered a severe family tragedy that took her away for a week and left her and our apartment in shambles. It was at this point that I began to be very anxious, and after being anxious for a week or so I also began to be depressed. I realized that I needed to tell some other people about "Bob the Onion", and first told my friend Laurel. That went okay, so I felt a bit better, but my mom still didn't know about it and I was starting to dig up some other things from my childhood (which I now think are quite funny) and I couldn't handle it any more. I called her and sobbed and sobbed and told her everything I could think of at the time, and I told her some more things later as they came up. Every time I felt a bit better, but I still hadn't told my friends.

I didn't feel like I could really trust anyone. I've had trouble trusting people for some time, and this was a big thing that I needed to trust them with and I didn't know who to talk to. Slowly, one by one, I began telling people, especially those in our morning prayer "group". I grew so close to those people this semester, and I am so grateful to God for putting them in my life and teaching me how to trust. Anyway, I started with Josh, who became one of my favorite confessors because of his understanding and care. After Josh came Cindy, Janna, Kasey, Alethea, Matthew, and Melissa (in no particular order). With each confession, my story became easier to tell, and all of them still talk to me! And Alethea and I hang out all the time and we can't really remember when we started hanging out or how our friendship came to be, but we're both very very blessed. She's teaching me Spanish. =)

I suppose I will pause now since I've started to ramble...more lata!

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