Monday, September 15, 2008

itsy bitsy update

Well, the last time I posted, I was feeling pretty busy and pressed by all of the tasks I had taken on. It's been awhile since then because I'm feeling pretty busy and pressed by all of the crap I have ingested in the past two weeks (and the fact that there is no room left in my head for all of it!).

Week One

I was tortured by sin and guilt that I had been carrying for six years and had successfully trapped inside of me to the point that I actually believed that my life needed to be like that. Then, a little over a week ago, I confessed my sin to a living, breathing human being, and suddenly I was feeling much better. Obviously, I have a lot of work to do and there is tons of healing to be had there, but I do have a sense of freedom from that particular bondage. I need to work on getting through that bondage before I can work on the other things in my life that need working on, so I am.

Week Two

I had been released from my sin and guilt through confession and was feeling much better. Then I started sharing my story with other people and suddenly they were sharing their stories with me! My head filled instantly with thoughts of how I was going to keep in touch with all of these people and remember to pray for them and to ask them how things are going. I was full. Completely. No room left in my head.

Three days ago (Friday), I had been having a long, rough week. I met with our campus pastor in the morning and that was great because she's helping me with my sin/guilt issue (cleverly christened "Bob" by one of my more intelligent comrades) and we talked a little about how people were sharing with me. The day was really long after that, though, and I was SO grateful at the end of my lesson that the day was finally over. I was going to go home, thaw some chicken, make dinner for me and Jaron, and meet with him to discuss the small group we're putting together.

Melissa had left a somewhat frantic message on my cell phone saying, "Hey, me when you get this," and I thought, "Is she running to the store and wants to know what I want? I wonder what the hurry is..." When I got home, she ran in and gave me some rather horrible news of the extreme family emergency type (I can say no more) which caused the care of our roommate to be my top priority. For example, I felt personally responsible for making sure that everyone ate at least something at every mealtime and I rejoiced in every shower that she took this weekend. Obviously, her pain is immeasurably more than anything I've ever experienced. I must say, though, that this definitely goes down in history as the most difficult weekend of my life. My head was already full of all sorts of junk and mess, and then this entirely unexpected and unbelievably shocking occurence whacked us all in the face. Thankfully, we have a few people who know the situation with whom we can process things. Also, Jaron was a rockstar AGAIN.

Friday night, it felt as if time was standing still...and I only wish it had. All I want right now is for a single moment out of time. I wish that for the worldly equivalent of five minutes God would transport me to a place where I didn't have to feel or think or worry or remember to be a functional human being, and where I could just sit in his embrace. And possibly cry and laugh, but mostly just sit. And then he could return me to the world and to the shackles of time and space and the nitty gritty bits of life, and I would be refreshed. I must above all remember to continue to place my trust in God and to remember the hope that we have in Christ Jesus, and that all things work together for good.

If you are reading this, please pray for us--for all of us who are struggling with personal issues, with friendships, relationships, grief, depression, anxiety, overload, stress, and loneliness. These issues are not all mine (praise be to God!), but they are mine and those that I am bearing with my friends. Pray especially for my roommates and especially still for our roommate who is bearing the heaviest load of all and for her safe travels.

Praise the Lord God whose mercy endures forever!


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